how’d that make you feel…again

I think I’m now in week ten of my counselling and psychotherapy course.

I can’t be bothered to check the exact number, but I do know I started on the 4th October, and with breaks, it should be around ten weeks now.

It’s going great (thanks for asking) but is also so emotionally demanding, it’s unbelievable! At the moment, I’m taking it one week at a time and trying not to panic too much. I have a folder with indexes (indices? I never know how to plural these Greek words)  and a tab for each week. I have my notebook and journalling book and my artwork has a big folder all to itself. I think this is the most organised about school I’ve ever been. Because it’s important to me. And I always tell people that if something isn’t important to you, you won’t bother giving it the time of day, and you won’t be anxious r worried about it.

And yes, I am very anxious.

There are days when I have woken up in the middle of the night with my heart hammering against my ribcage, wondering if I have taken on more than I am able.

A two year old who requires my undivided attention, love and care when I am home.
A full time job that requires my full attention when I’m at work.
Every Thursday for the course.
An hour a week for personal therapy.
Two hours each fortnight for group therapy.
And within these, I have to squeeze in study time, desk research for projects at work, time to complete essays,

And this coming semester, I have to find an hour a week for therapy practice as well.

It is very full on. Very hard, and although as I’ve said, it’s so so rewarding and enjoyable and I am learning so much about myself, It is very, vry hard to balance everything.

Each month we have to fill in a self-sassessment form and one of the sections asks what we have done for ourselves. Meditation, physical exercise, relaxation.  ANd this is the one that causes me a tiny bit of worry. Am I taking time to mind myself? I used to do Yoga ages ago, and calming meditation, but that was ages ago. I tried to do a small bit of Tai chi each morning in November but that fizzled out due to
a) Rozalia waking up so I ad to break it short.
b) too wrecked to get up earlier while she was asleep.

The only “me” time I get is taken up with cooking (which actually relaxes me so perhaps I should add that to my form next week?…hmmm!), cleaning the house, and catching up on sleep. Which all relax me, but no meditations or what I think is implied on the form.

So one of the things I have resolved to do this year (yes, I know, no new year’s resolutions…but this is a new semester resolution. so there!) is to stop trying to read what is implied, but just be open to the notion that some of the things that relax me will be different to what is meant on the form.

I have digressed completely from what I initially wanted tto write about, so I’ll get back on track.

I wanted to write about personal therapy.

I knew this is a requirement for the course, so there was no big deal about it going in, but it is a strange feeling to be in therapy.

I suppose because most people go to therapy when they have something they need to speak about, or a problem they want help with, but going because it is a requirement for a course is just so  strange.

I sometimes find myself sitting there saying,

 “um…I don’t have anything to talk about”

and then begin by reciting what has been happening for me the past week and before I know it, I’m yattering away about things I didn’t know I’d be talking about.

I can’t even begin to explain how much people should take care of their mental health. we walk around with the chains of our pasts dragging at us; things that, if we don’t become aware of, fester and infect our thinking and the way we interact with ourselves and others. To quote Carl Jung:

“who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakens”.

It’s a great feeling. My therapist is just great and I would totally recommend that everyone goes to a therapist at least twice in their lives, just to keep sane.

And on that  note, I bid you adieu.