just a little note…

I never knew what being a passive aggressive was until I watched season four of the “Mad Men” series. There’s especially a scene in the very last episode when Betty Draper just blew me away! She reminded me so much of my mother that I was left speechless for a good long while. It got me thinking a lot about anger, emotion and our abilities to express ourselves.
I guess you could say that I had a very strange childhood. It had its heady, fantastically fun moments of course, but many times I have to remind myself of these. The sad times and the lonely times stand out the most, and it would be very difficult to understand who I am today if I refused to look back at them too and indeed, to dwell on them a little too long at times.
So yes, my mum, I can clearly see now, was very much and continues to be passive aggressive. My dad…well, I don’t know what he was to be honest. Or perhaps it’s a topic for another day. But what does it mean for me now? I think I finally understand why I get all quiet when someone seems to attack me for apparently no reason. Instead of reasoning with, or asking them why they are upset, what the problem is and what I could possibly have done to prompt such a reaction, I just sit there shocked and then only later do I realise what I could have said or done. And of course by then it’s too late.
I wish I had an example to give you, but that would be delving a little too much into my personal history which I don’t feel comfortable enough to share.
Luckily, I’m not PA myself. I don’t like to have blazing rows with people anyway, but I have learnt to show how I’m feeling, and to name those feelings instead of bottling them up. It’s been a long hard battle, I can tell you that, but I sooo do not want to end up bitter and alone. This is what I would have ended up being if I hadn’t started this long process of self analysis a few years back. I don’t think the importance of understanding yourself is given enough emphasis to us when we are younger, but I hope that one day, I may be able to use all that I’m gaining from this, to try and let my little Roz have a more balanced emotional life than I was allowed to have.

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